Saturday, July 1st: A Bit Discouraged

I haven’t been writing at all because, frankly, I have been too discouraged. Our plans to get across the bay on the ferry Thursday were foiled. The ferry is full. We should have called earlier but we have had very little service to make a phone call during business hours and we weren’t exactly sure we’d really make it here by Thursday… we weren’t expecting it to be full on a Thursday. It rarely is. And on top of it, our vehicle and camper are too long to load on the the lift so we have to pay a company to put the camper on for us. More $$$.

We made plans to make the best of it and go over with our pastor’s family, Pat and Ann Daigle for the weekend and spend time with them at least. They could pick us up in their boat and haul us over to their island for a few days. Unfortunately, I finally succumb to the stomach bug that has been plaguing the kids all through Canada on Wednesday night - right after we reach Ashton’s. It’s raining, the Daigle’s home is small, the last thing we want to do is put ourselves in cramped quarters with them and get them sick as well. So, Ashton and Amanda graciously offer to let us continue to camp on their land while we wait for the Sunday church boat. At least we’re outside and can keep ourselves out of people’s way until we get better. Then Tim gets it Friday night… Malachi is still a ticking time bomb, today Zip has diarrhea.

I just can’t believe it. And I’m so angry. Nothing has been going right. Even though it’s been hard to really make many “plans”, when we do get something sorted out, something happens to thwart it Every. Single. Time. My oldest daughter, Abbey, didn’t even want to come. So Tim and I had extolled the virtues of all of the wonderful places we’d see, the things we’d do, the once-in-a-lifetime experience this was, and reconnect with all of these amazing people in an amazing place. Instead every stop we’ve made has had a major hitch that has kept us from even enjoying the very thing we came out to see - Lassen, Crater Lake, the Redwoods, even the drive up the coast for crying out loud felt like major flops, to be perfectly honest. I know, I post all the highlights for everyone - I mean that’s what social media is for, right? But it has all been a bit of a big fat bummer - not completely, but tainted with enough frustration to make our smiles seem forced at times. And then on top of it, we end up having some intestinal bug that tortures my kids as we drive through some of the roughest roads in North America. I mean, a stomach bug at home with 7 kids in a 1400 square foot house is bad enough but a stomach bug with 7 kids on a road trip with bags, bins, pit toilets, camper toilets and parking lots just plain SUCKS. And try that with no washing machine around. There are no words really to describe how miserable that trip through Canada was. And for what, darn it?? To get here, finally, only to find out that it has been the coldest, rainiest summer in decades, so have fun with that… AND we can’t even spend time with the people we want to see bc, let’s face it, no matter how much you love someone, no one wants to throw up. We’d all risk a cold, but everyone draws the line at puke. Then we miss the ferry, we’re trapped in Homer for days and I don’t even like Homer. It’s beautiful but it’s boring. But no worries! Tim and I will just spend our time curled up in the camper recovering anyway. Am I getting it across that I’m just plain ticked?

I know postive, faith-filled people focus on the “silver lining”. I want to be that person. Especially for that 18 year old that is watching me walk through this bitter disappointment. The one that didn’t want to come in the first place. The one that is probably thinking “this is all a big waste of time and money and they should have just let me stay home like I wanted to”. I’m a lousy positive thinker. Im jealous of those Christians who can say in all honesty, "The Lord has a reason for this terrible, horrible, frustrating situation." I try. Sometimes. But my attempts at it feel forced and untrue to what I'm really feeling. I always feel hideously guilty around people who are actually good at finding that silver lining. I just want to curl into a ball and wrap my dark and gloomy thoughts around me like a blanket and pout. There, I said it. I'm a big baby when things don't go my way.

So, please don’t ever, ever put me on some kind of pedestal. There is nothing amazing here folks. Social media is a big lie where I post the few seconds of sunshine I happened to find since Wednesday. (all of these photos were taken on the Homer spit on one of our two sunny days) I am not some supermom who carried 7 kids across the continent on some mind-blowing, life-changing trip. I’m a mess. And I need a shower. And I probably have to do laundry again. And now we’re broke. And for what?

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